What's up, 'beardians? Who's in the mood for a fight? I know I am. And there is no better kind of fight than a boxing match. And there is no better kind of boxing match than a bare-knuckle boxing match. That's what I've got for you today.
A good fight consists of two equally matched opponents smashing themselves against each another until one of them has more bones jutting out of his face and torso than the other one. At which time, the referee will stand over the corpse of that man, declaring him unfit to continue. The winner then pushes his eyeball back in and goes home with a new belt to keep his insides from herniating.
Hopefully you've seen Snatch. If not, you're probably Ian. Watching this movie makes you manly by proxy. Position three TVs around your couch all playing Snatch, and you'll have a full beard in 102 minutes. And that's a guarantee.*
Here we see Brad Pitt as Mickey the Pikey, squaring off in a rigged boxing match in order to save the necks of his managers, played by Jason Statham and that wormy guy next to him. If he throws the fight, that old British guy with the Charles Nelson Reilly glasses won't kill them and all of Mickey's family. But trying to control an Irish gypsy after killing his mom is like...well, I guess I can't come up with anything that would be as hard to control.
The best part about this whole fight is how visceral it feels. Even though Mickey is half the size of this guy, you still feel bad for his opponent. It feels like both men are just one solid hit away from being cold on the slab. I guess that's what makes any boxing match great. No one wants to see a Charles Atlas beating up well, a Charles Nelson Reilly. (Yes, folks. That's two CNR references in an article about Snatch.) Like I said earlier, the best fight is when the combatants are more or less equally matched. These men wouldn't be ever considered in the same weight class, but to quote a Big Dog shirt I wore in the 6th grade, "It's the size of the fight in the dog." Seeing a guy Brad Pitt's size take town the Brawny paper towel guy feels great to all the little guys out there who have also had their mothers murdered by British gangsters.
Needless to say, the Pikey had a plan up his sleeve the whole time. Which is why after it all went down, Mickey's the only one who didn't pull a stupid face.
I don't know about you guys, but now I think I'm gonna watch Snatch sometime this weekend. But not before I record The Weekly Barbeardian, which you should look forward to, since this week we're gonna have an on-location report. Keep those e-mails coming to barbeardian(at)gmail.com and we'll be reading your questions on air.
Until next time, Barbeardians - stay scrappy.
*Not an actual guarantee.
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