The Barbeardian

The hipster has become one of the most popular subjects for rants these days, so I would like to take an opportunity to put my thoughts down on the subject. I've posted many a status update about these foul, humanoid abominations, but I've never been able to fully develop these ideas. Now that the Barbeardian has given me this medium and a chance to speak to the masses of 17 readers, I give you my rant on the hipster:

There seems to be a great deal of confusion about what a hipster really is. There are as many definitions as there are brands of hipster. Some hipsters are easy to identify, while others are the source of much debate. I used to have a roommate that defined hipsters as anyone urban, progressive, or non-mainstream. Personally, I feel that there's a danger in attaching such a derogatory label to qualities that are either benign or even beneficial  to us. Honestly, I think she felt this way, just so she could lump me in with hipsters and piss me off. I, on the other hand, live and work in the hipsteriest part of Kansas City. I've spent years observing their fashions and behaviors. Thus, I feel that I'm an authority on the topic.

When identifying a hipster, it's important to not just look at the external. It's the mindset that we must seek to understand, no matter how twisted and sick it might be. The following are a set of characteristics that you can use to root out and expose this evil:

1. Everything is a Fashion Accessory. We're not just talking about tattoos and scarves here. The hipster has developed the ability to employ the intangible as accessories. Tastes, knowledge, and the arts will all be shamelessly exploited for self-promotion. No hipster can enjoy reading a book simply for the sake of reading. Instead, he will go out into public to read, so he can advertise to the world what he is reading and we will all surely be impressed.
2. Name Dropping. The hipster will take every opportunity to flaunt his connections with people high up in the hipster hierarchy. Tattoo artists, currently popular band members, artists, etc. In the eyes of a hipster,  people are more like fashion commodities that lose and gain fashion value. Thus, a hipster has no friends, only interests.
3. Following Trends. This one is obvious, but it's important to note the level of sophistication used to follow trends. The trend is the all-important game of musical chairs to a hipster. You never want to be the last one in on a trend, because we all know that things become less cool as they gain popularity. The only defense that a hipster has once he has missed the boat, is to shun that trend. The only thing better than being associated with something cool, is to be too cool for that thing. If you missed out on the new Bon Iver album or some shit, just tell everyone that you thought it sounded over-produced or something like that.
4. Denial. It is crucial for a hipster to be ever vigilant in his denial of being a hipster. It's a lot like a politician that denies being a crook. It's obvious that he's a crook, but the craftiness of his denials will cause all of the accusations to fall off of him like drops of water off the back of a swan.
5. Liking Things Ironically. This is just something hipsters do. I'm sure it used to be something fun or clever, but now it's just retarded and they've just kept the tradition around.

By reading these characteristics, the vile essence of the hipster becomes apparent. We're not talking about harmless trends. We're talking about systematic dehumanization. And much like breast cancer, eating disorders, or child molestation, this sickness will never be cured without first spreading awareness.